The Last Mistake…

Posted: July 6, 2013 in Sentiments

……………………………..

I’ve been through it all before, the cycle seems all too familiar.. 

I know the proceedings, could write a book about the result.. 

I wonder why then, do I still let it bother me? Maybe I’m just a sucker for the hurt, a glutton for punishment if you may. 

When it all begins its great, nothing can go wrong it seems, it feels like a clean slate.

 “I’ll be better this time” is what I tell myself each time, “I won’t make the same mistakes” that’s my favorite lie..

 And then every time I slip into d same pattern, going through the same routine of knowing the rules of the game, yet choosing not to even play! 

Everybody offers to lend a hand, but I choose to stand alone; faking smiles and pretending to try, when in fact I wake up everyday and I’ve given up without even trying. 

So at d first hurdle I run back into my bubble where I’ve been delusioned to thinking I’m safe in, where nothing can hurt me..

But the next stage is d depression that gets me. 

My bubble bursts and I’m running around looking for a cave to hide from all the emotions, picking up bad habit disguised as escapes.

Now I’m a bender; killing myself with nicotine, the weed and booze just so I don’t feel too much. 

Until that don’t help anymore, this is where time stops and I’m feeling every pain, I’m clutching my chest and head, hating myself, wishing I could start all over again, that I need a clean slate..

 

The worst part is knowing I don’t feel like I’ve grown from the experience, I’ve not learned my lesson and I’m still the same person! 

That’s why I’m ending it.. 

Watching the blood drop from my wrist, feeling the hurt hit d pool of red self hate, it feels like the weight has been lifted and I feel so light…

 

Or maybe I’m just light headed because I’m dying..

All of a sudden its getting too dark to see, so I know its time and I’m prepared for it..

But as my life flashes before my eyes, I’m haunted by one face, the one who made it all bearable, till it was too much and had to leave….

 

And as I close my eyes, all I see is ***………… 

 

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