Archive for July, 2013

On Lonely Waters……..

Posted: July 24, 2013 in Quickie

¬†Nobody said it would be easy, at least that’s what I’m told

But nobody gave me a heads up about how hard it would be though

On life’s stormy ocean, getting rocked back and forth- I might drown if I let go of the boat

It might be a bumpy sail, but I’d rather stay afloat

And ride the storm out to see where the water flows- hoping it would bring me to shore…

 

But its been a long ass journey and I’m wondering, where? If there is an end

I’m just a lonely sailor, nearing my wits’ end

On stranger tides, hoping to make a friend

But all I get are sharks in the water trying to pretend

But I know them for what they truly are- I’ve watched animal planet…

 

But on the other hand

I may be scared of making it to dry land

What if I get there and it is all bland?

Or the part of me that has become accustomed to the water doesn’t like the sand

 

What if I don’t fit in?…

 

Maybe I am not an inconvenience, but what if nobody needs me?

Like a ghost, what if nobody hears or sees me?

Then I’d be just as alone as I am on the open sea…

 

So for now, these waves have begun to feel like home, and who’s to say that it isn’t?

 

The sun is setting and I cannot help thinking

Maybe tonight is the night I sleep with the fishes

It would have been one hell of a cruise if it is, in the company of myself- needing nobody from start to finish…….

“Jibber Jabber”…

Posted: July 17, 2013 in Quickie

¬†I’m actually not sure what to write, or if I can write anything meaningful even, I’m definitely not in the right frame of mind to write anything noteworthy.¬†

But here I am, still writing, hoping something is going to come up, hoping that by the time I’m done, that I would have ended up talking about something that means something to somebody…

 

Maybe you try and ask me, “how do you feel?”¬†

Well, I’d stare at you for a few seconds, genuinely blank, smile, and say “I’m good.” When in truth, the hardest thing for me to do these days is sort out my feelings.¬†

I know what you might say, that I’m just confused, and to that I would ask “about what exactly?”

I really hope that God knows, because I don’t, and I’m pretty sure that nobody that might be reading this does either.¬†

Sometimes I try to think of a time when it was all clear, when I knew just what I was feeling, and it is only then that I feel something.

Anger.

But I’m angry about what exactly? That my whole life has been going by on autopilot? That I am just a drone? That I don’t have control?

 

I’m angry about nothing basically, this makes me depressed.

 

I try what seems like my hardest to shake or at least try to hide this depression.

¬†I don’t have much success at this, in fact I fail very badly, because its something that everybody knows and loathes.¬†

 

I think its safe to say that I’m quite lost, and I am trying to find my way back home.¬†

Trapped in a maze that I am trying to crack and find my escape-that wouldn’t be frowned upon by the queen of hearts.¬†

So far, no good…

 

This is not an invitation to my “pity-party”, really I’m just rambling, not sure I’ve said much of anything at all.¬†

But if you’re reading this and you can relate, well, sucks for you.¬†

I should know

I am you……¬†

Destiny…

Posted: July 14, 2013 in Quickie

 Alone in this dark room, that one thought running wild in my head like a hyperactive child. 

A dead cold glock in my left hand, and on the other hand is a joint slowly burning to its end. 

Just as I can feel the heat on my fingers letting my know the impending fate of the blunt, my gut can sense that whatever is left of my “little light” -that frankly, I refused to let shine- is about to burn out.

But I’m not scared, my nerves are like steel, as steady as they’ve ever been…

I know that this is what I have to do, “this is exactly what needs to happen”.. I’m clear…

Sins and forgiveness have been weighed and the verdict has been passed, and the only thing that keeps echoing in my conscience is “this is the way it has to be”…

 

We joke everyday about killing somebody, only nobody actually ever does go through with it. 

Taking a person’s life just seems like the greatest sin of all, to which there’s no repentance or forgiving even.¬†

But “this is the way it has to be”…

 

“Enough thinking!”¬†

I jump out of the chair and head straight out the door to my car. 

Its dawn already, I must have stayed up all night contemplating, well, not anymore.

Now I’m acting…

 

I’m on the highway, doing 120mph.¬†

The adrenaline.

Everything is peachy till I see a billboard with her face on it…

 

Before long I’m taking a trip down memory lane.¬†

Its haunted by the past, its her face, her voice, her laugh.. 

Its HER.

At first its good nostalgia until..

Its yelling and breaking stuff, her tears..

Its ME…

 

I snap back to reality. 

My foot has been on the accelerator this whole time and now my steering wheel is shaking almost uncontrollably from the speed, I must have been doing just over 200mph.

“Maybe I’ll crash and I wouldn’t have to go through with it”

 

“But this is the way it has to be”…

 

I hit the brakes to try and get my speed down, my gun falls of the passenger seat and hit ground. 

I’m reaching trying to get it, seconds later, I have the gun in my hand. ¬†

Time to start moving again, but that’s when I realised that I hadn’t stopped moving in the first place.

I look up just in time to see the oncoming truck, with deafening honks….

 

FUCK!……

 

 

Like nothing happened, I’m back on the road, back on course.¬†

Nerves still calm, head still clear, no doubt in my mind. 

“This is the way it has to be”…

 

Now I’m sitting outside her building.¬†

I’m not enraged, I’m not hurt.¬†

I’m just clear.¬†

“Its what has to happen”…

 

I’m out of the car, up the stairs and in front of her door in what seemed like just seconds.

I’m banging on the door…

 

It takes a while, I mean its 6:30am, it early. 

But she finally opens the door. 

I’m not entirely ready for what I see next..

Her Face..

I almost entertain the thought that I might not be able to go through with it.

 

“What are you doing here, Mike” she asks.¬†

I’m about to start explaining, when I see Him…

 

“Here goes nothing”

Without saying a word, I pull out the glock from my hip. 

The look of terror on their faces my just have been my reason for coming here in the first place. 

Remember the person’s life that I said needed to be taken?

That life is Mine, I’m the one who has to die.

“It the way it has to be”…

 

My Ex-girlfriend and my Best friend, in apartment 7D.. D used to stand for Destiny, now D stands for death.. My death…¬†

 

In the same hallway it all started……..

All That Veil…

Posted: July 7, 2013 in Quickie

 Take it all off and show your true face..

Do u even remember what you look like without all that adornment? 
Who do you see when u look in the mirror?
Is it the same person that you tell and try to show to the world that you are?
 
You bat you eyelashes, but not so much because we don’t want that coming off.
 
You have a constant blush, and I wonder what is so embarrassing..
 
I could see your real face when I watched you sleep; without all d makeup on, I could see what sometime I forget you look like. 
And when you woke up I could look into your eyes and I could see it owner. 
But on your way out that light I could see in your eyes had been covered by too much eye shadow. 
 
What are you trying to build on a foundation that can be washed away?
 
The red lipstick on your lips remind me though of that fire that you possess, but those blue contacts? What the heck is your identity?
 
The push up bra you where makes it hard to see your heart, but I’ll stare long enough to give me a 6 inch boner, but your 6 inch heels knock me down.¬†
 
Why have you got your face all covered?
Who are you trying to hide?
Open the blinds to the window to your soul and then take a peek, you just might like what you see. 
 
I’m not trying to judge or anything, I just want to see what you have hidden behind all that veil……….¬†

The Last Mistake…

Posted: July 6, 2013 in Sentiments

……………………………..

I’ve been through it all before, the cycle seems all too familiar..¬†

I know the proceedings, could write a book about the result.. 

I wonder why then, do I still let it bother me? Maybe I’m just a sucker for the hurt, a glutton for punishment if you may.¬†

When it all begins its great, nothing can go wrong it seems, it feels like a clean slate.

¬†“I’ll be better this time” is what I tell myself each time, “I won’t make the same mistakes” that’s my favorite lie..

 And then every time I slip into d same pattern, going through the same routine of knowing the rules of the game, yet choosing not to even play! 

Everybody offers to lend a hand, but I choose to stand alone; faking smiles and pretending to try, when in fact I wake up everyday and I’ve given up without even trying.¬†

So at d first hurdle I run back into my bubble where I’ve been delusioned to thinking I’m safe in, where nothing can hurt me..

But the next stage is d depression that gets me. 

My bubble bursts and I’m running around looking for a cave to hide from all the emotions, picking up bad habit disguised as escapes.

Now I’m a bender; killing myself with nicotine, the weed and booze just so I don’t feel too much.¬†

Until that don’t help anymore, this is where time stops and I’m feeling every pain, I’m clutching my chest and head, hating myself, wishing I could start all over again, that I need a clean slate..

 

The worst part is knowing I don’t feel like I’ve grown from the experience, I’ve not learned my lesson and I’m still the same person!¬†

That’s why I’m ending it..¬†

Watching the blood drop from my wrist, feeling the hurt hit d pool of red self hate, it feels like the weight has been lifted and I feel so light…

 

Or maybe I’m just light headed because I’m dying..

All of a sudden its getting too dark to see, so I know its time and I’m prepared for it..

But as my life flashes before my eyes, I’m haunted by one face, the one who made it all bearable, till it was too much and had to leave….

 

And as I close my eyes, all I see is ***…………¬†